It has been exactly 30 years since Madonna exploded into the public consciousness with her debut album Madonna, and what great years they have been. Is there a woman out there more impressive than she is? Madonna is the top-selling female artist of all time. She has a son named Rocco. One time she was interviewed by Norman Mailer and he kept wanting to talk about feminism’s discontents and she subtly made fun of him the entire time and he did not seem to get it. However, being Madonna is not easy. And how does she do it? She is 54 years old and she had to wear a crucifix on her butt at the Met Ball. Literally no one has ever done that before, and perhaps no one will ever do it again. So, while Madonna’s actual accomplishments are too much for the modern human to even contemplate, it would be nice to have her biceps at some point in my life. In that spirit, I decided to attempt Madonna’s apparently draconian fitness and nutritional regimes. There is no time like the prese